Messages From Carrie
Thoughts on Forgiveness
March 3rd, 2009
Recently, while traveling in Texas, I was given a lovely little book by my friends Franklin and Tammy. The book reads and is organized like sacred text, but it is totally contemporary. Each chapter addresses a topic. What follows are quotes from a wide variety of persons and sources. It doesn’t claim to be holy or divinely written. It is simply a collection of quotes from humans who have wrestled with life and these topics, got it right, got it wrong, and then wrote it all down.
Here is a little quote from that book.
“Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. It is about healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it. In the spiritual life, nothing goes away. There is no heavenly garbage dump. It’s all here, wherever we are. Everything belongs. But Forgiveness it the process through which we seek to free ourselves from bondage to another person that is maintained for as long as we stand in judgment of them.” From The Book of the World
I recently wrote a song called “Hush” that I’ve started performing in my shows. There is a verse that goes like this
“Some things we forgive one time
Then it’s out of sight and it’s out of mind
Some things we have to forgive twice
And everyday for all our lives”
Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. Forgiveness is the process of letting go and healing old wounds. Most of us have been wounded. We've been wounded by family, friends and colleagues, wounded by institutions, wounded by fate, we’ve suffered injustice and even shocking betrayals. I have wrestled myself with the shadows of anger. But, I know if I allow it, these shadows can fill up every corner of my mind and heart. I can recall mornings when as soon as my eyes opened to the day a righteous anger filled up my thoughts. I have had long conversations in the car with no one, just to talk through the experience all over again, entertaining that impossible hope that if I talk through it enough times, I might change what happened. I know now that as long as I continue this kind of hopeless dialog, as long as I harbor anger, as long as sit in judgment of another, I am still a prisoner to what has happen, and unable to move forward unencumbered. I know that some of us have much deeper and more egregious wounds to heal. I cannot claim real understanding of what it takes to heal such grievous injuries. But, I do know that it is not just for the sake of the offending party we attempt to move forward in forgiveness. It is also for our own sake, our own health and wholeness.
Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. We cannot change the past. We cannot alter the steps we’ve walked to arrive where we stand. The only thing we can change is our attitude about our wounds and how we move forward into the light. This doesn’t mean that we can heal relationships. Some relationships would be unhealthy or even dangerous to continue. It doesn’t mean those who have harmed us will ever change or be safe for us. Some folks are lost to their better nature, and so they are lost to us.
What we can do is chose. We get up from the ground where we’ve been sitting, dust off our pants and shoes, and leave that place in the road behind. I don’t want to sound like there isn’t reconciliation and redemption. I have seen healing and reunion I consider to be nothing less than a miracle. Miracles can happen. Some miracles happen as a result of a great deal of work and miracle building. But, the essence of this collection of thoughts is that I believe we are capable of freeing ourselves from what holds us down. I know when this process has happened for me, because when I think of a wounding party, I am unencumbered by them, my thoughts and heart do not get derailed, I don’t begin reliving or explaining anything in my mind. They pass through my mind mostly with sadness. There is a great heaviness that accompanies anger and resentment. It presses down upon our hearts and thoughts. It steals so much of our time. But there is lightness to moving forward without the weight of the shadow pressing against us. There is a joy in releasing ourselves from entanglement. There is a sense of peace when our wounds no longer control us.
We do not forgive because those we forgive deserve it.
We forgive because we chose to live in the light.
So like the song, I forgive and then I forgive again. It is a continuing process, a conscious choice. And when I cannot forgive, I at least try to wish them well and walk away the best I can. That’s a start.
So to all who read these blogs, I wish you light and the healing of every hurt you’ve ever known. I wish you the courage to let go, and kindness toward yourself when forgiveness is not yet possible, but still a possibility. I wish you a lightness of spirit and a peace that passes understanding, maybe even a miracle.
We’re all getting there – it just takes a little time.
- Carrie